Limiting Beliefs: Overcome Thoughts That Sabotage Success

Right now, think of something that you've always wanted to do but haven't done. Got it? Okay, now ask yourself why. What has held you back from doing that thing you've dreamed of doing? There might be some solid reasons. I have two daughters who are ballet dancers. I've always wanted to be a ballet dancer, but if I started training now, I might make it into Ballet Geriatric. I'd be in the corps, standing in the back, wearing a heating pad under my tutu. Sadly, it's too late for me to be a professional dancer, but I can still dance. (And I do, much to my daughters' chagrin!)

Yes, there are some dreams we might not be able to realize. Most of us won't become professional dancers, athletic superstars, or president. But I'd like to suggest that the vast majority of our dreams can become reality, and we are the only ones holding ourselves back from seizing those dreams. As Paul Simon says, "There must be fifty ways to leave your lover." I think there are fifty ways to sabotage your success. Let's look at a few of them.

I Don't Have Time
Oh boy. This is the oldest excuse in the book, isn't it? You don't have time if you don't make the time. Life is a demanding mistress, and if we let her, she can take over and manipulate us like puppets. We race around with our tasks and jobs and look longingly at our dream like it's a distant vision in the mist. It will stay that way if we don't seize life by the horns and control it. Put your dream first or at least near the top of your priorities. You control time. It doesn't control you. Make the decision to act on your vision, and remarkably all other activities will find their place in your schedule.

I Might Fail
Yes, you might. But if you only do things you are already successful at doing, you will never grow. Even though it can smack you around and embarrass you, failure is really your best friend. If you fail, you have tried. If you never try, you will never make it to your dream. Sometimes success is a pathway cobbled with failures. Every stepping stone leads you to what you want, and you will get there. Try to laugh at failure, even love it. It shows that you are bold and fearless and willing to step out of your comfort zone. Accept that failure is a natural part of the path to success and just keep going!

I Don't Know How
This is the first cousin of I Don't Have Time and I Might Fail. If you knew how, you probably would have done it. You just don't want to take the time to learn, and you might not get it right the first time. Most of the time, it's never as hard as you think. I have been a special needs computer user most of my adult life. Now I'm blogging, even though I just recently learned what "URL" means. (I know.) I figured it out, mostly by myself. Whatever it is, you can learn it. Just get started. Take the first action.

Others Might Disapprove
This is a hard one. It's so uncomfortable to offend or disappoint people, especially people in your family. Like your mom or dad. Or spouse. We do so many things because we feel we "should". Or we let our dreams sail by because someone else doesn't think it's the right dream for us. Sometimes sacrifice is necessary, especially if your actions might really hurt someone. But if you are just avoiding the discomfort of someone's anger, then you will be forever resentful. This is your one and only life. If you live to age ninety, count up the days you have left. Do you want to give up your dream because it might make someone mad? They will get over it, and if they don't, they are not supporting you the way you deserve to be supported.

I'm Too Old
I recently turned fifty, but inside I feel like I did at thirty. Don't act your age. Act on your dreams in spite of your age. Your brain continues to grow and thrive even into old age -- but only if you keep learning! See every single day as a delicious PuPu platter at a Chinese restaurant. There are so many wonderful choices, so keep choosing to engage in life regardless of age. Age has some limitations (I, for one, no longer wear bikinis), but life is to be lived with joy and passion and adventure. Use the wisdom of age to enjoy every minute to the fullest!

Embrace the Blues: How to Find the Good in Winter Sadness

So we are in the thick of it now. It's mid-February, and we are hovering in the windy, dark corners of the winter season. The holidays are a distant memory and spring seems still buried under the cold, hard earth. Here in Atlanta we have seen more rain and snow (yes, snow!) this winter than in the past several years combined. In fact, it's been a blustery, rainy, and mostly sunless stretch of days that has left me and many of my friends depleted and downright blue.

February can be a most unkind month. I lost both of my parents in the month of February. Valentine's Day, for all of its hype and hearts, can highlight loneliness and pain for the un-coupled among us. The cold and harsh weather keeps us inside when we so desperately need the sunlight to boost our mood and energy.

Much has been written about how to boost your mood when the winter blues descend. Exercise, sunlight, healthy eating, positive thinking. These are valuable and worth pursuing. But sometimes there's a stretch when the blues hang on like a heavy old coat. I've been pondering how the winter blues might serve me when I can't beat them. How can the slate grey aura that surrounds many people teach us something and help us grow? Here are some thoughts that came to me as I huddle at my desk.

1. Patience.
This is a highly underrated virtue. In an age of nearly immediate gratification in all things, it's hard to wait on happiness. That's why we frantically scramble for something to do to make those blues go away. When all else fails, just be patient. Moods come and go. Learn the fine art of patience and watchful waiting. Come to accept that this too shall pass.

2. Rest.
Sometimes our moods send us a message. Maybe your heart, your soul, or your body needs to rest and recuperate. When our mood is low, we aren't as productive, and for action-oriented, achieving types this can feel like the ultimate self-betrayal. Try not to struggle against your mood, and allow yourself to rest in acceptance. You will expend less energy this way and will recover more quickly.

3. Reflection
Use these wintry days as a time for reflection. Pull out some books that feed your soul. Write in a journal about how you are feeling. Sometimes just the release of expressing your thoughts and feelings on paper will help your mood lift. Practice prayer or meditation where you quiet your active mind and sit in stillness. Use this time for quiet planning, self-discovery, and goal-setting. You can still be productive and creative during this time.

4. Self Care.
Don't berate yourself about your mood. Feeling blue is part of the normal range of human emotions. Instead of fighting your mood, embrace it. Welcome the blues as a reason to take special care of yourself. What feels comfortable and soothing to you? Take a long, hot bath. Get a massage. Watch a movie. Snuggle up with someone close. Treat yourself with kindness and the tender care you would give to your child.

5. Awareness.
Spring will come and your mood should lift. The winter blues are generally short-lived and rarely intense. They might last a few days or even a couple of weeks. But if you can't shake the blues and feel yourself sinking lower, call your doctor. A blue mood is one thing. A full-blown depression is another. Be aware of the duration and intensity of your mood, and take action if need be.

6. Gratitude.
When your energy is low and activity is slowed down, be grateful for the small things you miss in the rush of daily life. That first sip of coffee. The burst of warm water from the shower. The red bird perched on the branch outside. There is a gift in every moment if you pay attention. Be grateful for that.

Love: The Agony and The Ecstasy

Look at the photo of these incredibly powerful, beautiful dancers from the ballet Romeo and Juliet. Are they in agony or ecstasy? Or both? We know the story of these star-crossed lovers. They are passionate soul mates whose circumstances pull them apart and lead them to untimely death. Damn. I hate it when that happens.

But isn't that the way with love? On the one hand, it is exquisite, thrilling, rapturous, lovely, fulfilling, and passionate. And then that same love can leave you wounded, fearful, angry, confused, and depressed. What gives with love?? We all want it, but boy can it turn us inside out. Even when love gets older and cozy and predictable, suddenly the love rug can be pulled out from under us, and all we can see is that creep who leaves the toilet seat up or the raging Tasmanian she-devil who steals the remote.

Love has so many obstacles, but we still go after it with dogged determination. Why? Because it is a noble pursuit. I think we long for love, strive for love, because it reveals our greatest good. It shows us the depth of our capacity to feel and the measure of our ability to give. It can bruise us, batter us, and reshape us, but we will still knock down doors to get at it.

I suppose it's that way with everything -- that there are two sides to the coin. Without black there'd be no white; without sorrow there's no happiness; and without pain, there can be no love. Just as love brings out our greatest good, it also reveals our deepest hurts and most deplorable behavior. However, the unique blessing of love is its remarkable healing powers. It brings out our best and it brings out our worst. But like a sheepish, steadfast puppy, love creeps back in and licks you on the face when you are least expecting it. Unless the wounds are too deep or the walls too high, we almost always welcome love back with open arms.

This Valentine's Day, whether you are single or with someone, my wish for you is to welcome love in your life. Yes, pain is inevitable. But healing and growth are inevitable too if you keep your heart open.

20 Amazing Personal Growth Blogs

Now that I'm a neophyte blogger on personal growth, I have become achingly aware of the plethora of extraordinary blogs with different slants on the same subject. I look at them and drool with the dreams of a one-legged sprinter. I am about to take a Blogging Bootcamp with two of the world's greatest bloggers, Leo Babauta of Zen Habits and Mary Jaksch of Goodlife Zen. So you may be seeing some changes for the better in my blog over the next few weeks. In the meantime, here are 20 blogs in no particular order that will show you how the pros do it!

1. Pick the Brain
Topics include motivation, productivity, education, psychology, health, and money.

2. Change Your Life, Change Your Thoughts
The title tells the story. This is a beautiful, easy to read blog.

3. Christine Kane
About creativity, courage, and conscious living. One of my all time favorite blogs. Great writing and practical info.

4. Dumb Little Man
This cool blog offers you tips that will save you money, increase your productivity, and keep you sane! Don't you love the title?

5. Zen Habits
Leo's subtitle is "simple productivity". That's what the blog is about, and it's so refreshing and calm. Leo is a regular guy, married with six kids, who figured out how to blog and now makes a great living at it. Simply.

6. Goodlife Zen
This is a sister site to Zen Habits. It's written by Leo's partner Mary Jaksch who is a lovely, brilliant lady. The blog offers "practical inspiration for a happier life", and it lives up to that claim.

7. Simple Mom
Live simply. Stay sane. All you moms out there, you can't miss this one. It's beautiful, practical and engaging.

8. Live What You Love
This is the coolest web site and blog written by a married couple who are living what they love. They give you great ideas on travel, food, books, goal setting, and many good things.

9. Think Simple Now
It's a "candidly written blog that addresses real-life personal issues on our path to happiness and fulfillment, along with practical and simple solutions for those issues," according to the blogger. It's very sweet and personal.

10. The Change Blog
If you’re looking to make changes in your life this year, then this is the blog for you. Great posts by Peter, the blog's founder, as well as many wonderful guest posts.

11. Litemind
Exploring efficient ways to use your mind. Like I just did with that efficient sentence.

12. The Unclutterer
This is an beautifully uncluttered blog about getting and staying organized with great daily tips.

13. Life Optimizer
This site is about living life to the fullest and getting the most from every day.

14. The Brazen Careerist
According to dear Penelope Trunk, the writer, she offers advice at the intersection of life and work.

15. Motivate Thyself
A guide to helping you make the most out of yourself and everything you do.

16. Universe of Success
This is sort of the superstore of personal development sites. It's dedicated to helping people help themselves by making small changes for the better.

17. The Bridgemaker
This site offers stories of faith, hope, courage and change. We all need some of that.

18. Abundance Blog
The writer offers a simple equation for personal growth: Creatvity + Productivity + Simplicity = Abundance.

19. Positivity Blog
It's easy on the eyes, fun to read, great photos, and usable info.

20. My Super-Charged Life
Great stuff to help you stay motivated and get the most out of life.

Enjoy these amazing blogs, and check back in with me too for more great life blooming goodness!

Listen and Learn

Life is rarely black or white. It is usually various gradations of grey. Any problem, decision, action, or belief can almost always be perceived from a multitude of perspectives with many possible, logical, or even "right" choices or outcomes. Yes, there are some situations that have a best or more believable result, but even then, there is always another side to the story that may have some merit.

We often take a stand about something. We thrust a stake in the ground and proclaim the rightness of our belief or choice. We know best because we have gathered the data, mastered the debate, and slathered ourselves in the self assurance that our "knowingness" about the situation should be enough to convince those other morons that we are right.

But then something or someone comes along and fuzzies up our "knowingness". They present a real alternative, another way of thinking. If they aren't screaming their opinion or bloviating with self-righteousness, it's hard for rationale people to completely ignore them. Whether it's politics, religion, the weather forecast, or the best driving route, if a viable, reasonable alternative is in our faces, shouldn't we close our mouths and listen for minute?

I've seen liberals and conservatives debate about how to serve our country while screaming red-faced into the television camera. I have known atheists who have demonstrated profound acts of kindness while religious fanatics bomb buildings and kill in the name of the Creator. I've known good people to make bad decisions, and difficult, troubled people to surprise me with goodness.

We need to humble ourselves. We need to become listeners and learners. If we accept that very rarely there is one "right" choice, belief, or decision and stay open to all possibilities, we expand our world and find new ways of connection. Become a truth ferret. Assume that your way is not the only way. Hear and acknowledge other people and their ideas and beliefs. Embrace differences as opportunities for enlightenment. Learning and growing is a life-long endeavor and the world around you is your master teacher. Be curious and grateful for your daily lessons.

Create Your Life Vision

Do you have any idea where you're going? I used to wonder that all the time as I bobbled through life like a pinball, bouncing from one task to another. If my dream job was to be a Task Master, I'd become the expert in the field.

Routines, errands and other people's schedules ran my life. This wasn't intentional. It just enveloped me like slow growing kudzu. I was tangled up in a web of insidious activity leading nowhere. In fact, I used my tasks and to-do lists as an excuse for not consciously creating my life.

If I was busy with projects, cleaning, driving kids around, and generally chasing my tail like a crazed puppy, I didn't have to think about finding a passion or accomplishing something meaningful. Frankly I was afraid if I focused on it, I might discover I had no vision or plan for my life at all. Well, I didn't. But I was determined to create one, and here are the steps I took.

1. Step Away from the Car.
You must step out of your routine to begin this process. Force yourself to carve time out of your schedule to work on this vision. Even if it's just an hour a week, breaking the cycle of activity to focus on creating your life is the most important step on the path. Get a notebook and a folder to start gathering information.

2. Become a Self Sleuth.
Start learning about yourself -- your personality, motivations, strengths, and aptitudes. I love assessment tests. They are a great tool for starting this learning process. There are many free tests online and some that require a fee but provide you with more in-depth information. Just Google "assessment tests" or visit http://www.rileyguide.com/assess.html to get a list of various assessment tools. A coach or counselor also can administer these assessments and provide feedback.

3. Phone a Friend.
Ask those closest to you to give your their perceptions of your strengths and natural gifts. You might be surprised at what you hear. Sometimes the qualities we take for granted in ourselves are areas where others perceive us as gifted and valuable.

4. Dig Deeper.
Here's the part that assessment tools may not cover. Get pen and paper and write down everything you feel passionate about or that brings you joy, in your personal and professional life. Now write down all of the things you'd like less of in your life. If it's a feeling (ie: stress), write down the root cause for the feeling (over-scheduled). Finally, write down a list of your values and pick the top 4 or 5 that are non-negotiable for your life and career. Here's a great list of value words to help you: http://www.brefigroup.co.uk/resources/values_list.html.

5. Outline Your Vision.
Now you should know a good bit more about yourself -- your personality, your gifts, your motivations, your passions and your values. Using all of the information you've gathered about yourself, you are going to begin to outline your life vision. Get your pen and six sheets of paper. Put the one of the following headlines on each sheet: Career; Relationship; Family; Physical Space/Home; Personal Growth/Learning/ Faith; Lifestyle/Fun. Now begin writing your ideal vision for each of these based on what you've learned about yourself.

6. Find the Imbalances.
Now review the vision you've written for each category, and determine how your current life is out-of-balance with your vision. There may be big areas like being in the wrong job. And there may be small areas like you want to travel more. Go to your list of things you want less of in your life (see #4 above) and decide if you can make adjustments here to help you create your vision in each category.

7. Begin Somewhere.
Pick one of these out-of-balance areas and begin to do something about it. If you are ready to tackle something big, then pick the area that is draining most of your energy. Write a list of everything that needs to be done to get you to that vision and start the work. If this is overwhelming, start small. Pick one action from any category and do that. Then another and another. You get the picture.

8. Visit Your Vision Daily.
Every day, re-read your vision so that you build excitement and energy around it. Make adjustments as you create more awareness. Then keep working toward it. Every step, whether large or small, is moving you forward on the path to your wonderful new life. Don't get overwhelmed. Just take it one piece at a time. One day you will wake up and realize you haven't just created your life vision. You are living it!

Big Decisions: Making Them Without Regret

Every day we have decisions to make -- what to wear, what to eat, how to spend our time. Some decisions are no-brainers. You make your choice, and even if it's not the best decision, the potential consequences are rarely worth breaking a sweat. Then there are the BIG decisions. Should I move? Which job offer will be best? Am I in the right relationship? Sometimes the elements of a big decision are so complicated that your brain gets muddled, and confusion and indecision grip you like a vice. You're languishing in Limbo Land, frozen like a deer in headlights.

You just want a voice from the heavens to shout down instructions and tell you what path to take. "Hey you, take that job in Miami. You'll be much happier!" So far, that's never happened for me, although there are many voices on terra firma offering input and suggestions.

When I've had to make big life decisions, I've learned to take several practical steps infused with a big dose of emotional guidance. In other words, I start with my head but also listen to my heart. Here are some steps to help you make a big decision and hopefully not look back with regret.

1. Have a Life Vision
A life vision should be the foundation and reference point for every decision you make. In my next blog, I will write more about creating a life vision. For now, realize that you need to know yourself and your values, the lifestyle you want, your life purpose or goals, and what really brings you joy and fulfillment. If you deviate from this vision, it will cause you eventual pain and regret. Evaluate your choices based on your vision. Which one is in closest alignment with your vision?

2. Write Down the Pros and the Cons
Consider the possible positive and negative aspects or consequences of your decision. Write down a list of pros and cons for each possible alternative. Then prioritize these points with the most important considerations at the top of the list.

3. Phone a Friend
Carefully select two or three trusted friends whose opinion and judgment you value. Tell them about your life vision, show them your list of pros and cons and ask for their input about your decision. Someone who is removed from the turmoil of the decision and who has a different perspective can help you see things in a clearer light.

4. Invoke a Higher Power
Go to a quiet place. Breathe deeply. Close your eyes. Go within. Pray or meditate (or whatever feels right to you) and ask for guidance. Your own inner wisdom and intuition will often rise to your conscious mind when you calm the mental chaos of over thinking your decision. Give it a few days. You may be surprised that the answer presents itself unexpectedly.

5. Try the Coin Trick
I love this idea, because it puts you in touch with you real desires. Grab a quarter and assign one decision choice to heads and the other to tails. Flip the coin, and before it lands, pay attention to side you hope it lands on. More than likely, this is what you truly want to do. Something in your heart is pulling you in that direction. Examine this result carefully, because even if the choice conflicts with all of the practical considerations, you may be dishonoring your deepest desires.

6. Don't Look Back
If you have done the work, honored your vision, examined the pros and cons, sought guidance, and connected with your intuition, then make your choice and don't look back. There are millions of paths that we can take in a lifetime, all leading to different opportunities and problems. Once you are on this new adventure, have confidence that you have made the best decision with the information available, and move forward with a spring in your step. There is something good to be learned on every path we follow.